Eurovision 2010, Or A Post-show Examination Of Gaudy European Tat

Saturday night's alright for fighting, apparently. Being a pacifist (and a coward) I wouldn't know about that, however I do know that it was alright for plonking myself in front of the television and treating myself to a veritable feast of europop, power ballads and, quite frankly, dismal theatrics.

We'll start at the beginning, because it makes sense to.

In case you hadn't realised this is 'Drip Drop' by Safura, who is from Azerbaijan, the lucky girl.
Once you get past the fact that she is some kind of unholy foreign amalgamation of Miley Cyrus and Holly Valance, you start to notice the fantastically choreographed dance moves. You don't? But they were arranged by Beyonce's Choreogropher! The one that did that horrible video that Kanye West loved so much! Apprently in Azerbaijan they need a choreogropher to help a confused woman down the stairs. Maybe he just sorted out the twirling gay bloke that appears later in the song. I don't know and I don't really care. The song was boring, and so was Safura. Next!

Ahhhhh, Spain! How you spoil us with your batty Leo Sayer lookalikes and horrifying, twisted visuals! This was awesome for one reason and one reason only. The solitary stage invader at 1:10, who looks like he is having more fun than anyone else did, all night. The song is beyond terrible, and due to the stupidity of the hat wearing tit, we had to hear it all over again when the others were finished. Stick to football in the future, and never again speak of this debacle.

This is Norway, and by God, it is a fucking abortion. It is notable for the incredibly vague opening lyric;

"You are like the sunset, behind the mountain, somewhere"

He couldn't even be bothered to think of a specific mountain the lazy twat. The fact that the song sounds almost identical to 'Jerusalem' does it no favours, neither does the fact that I hate his face so much that all I can think about throughout the duration of this obscenity is kicking him in the head.
Three songs in, and I was severely disappointed at the lack of anything approaching amusement, or indeed talent. was this to set a precident that the rest of the show would follow? We shall see.

Check this out! It's from fucking Moldova! I'm suprised it's not 3 toothless old men hitting an empty barrel and growling. Casual xenophobia aside, what we have here is a man pretending to play the violin and spinning around, a woman with a terrible haircut and pretty much the most homosexual man in existence popping up at 40 seconds and thrusting his groin at us while playing the saxophone. This is the most Arayan of the songs this evening, and looks less like a band than it does some kind of advert for a really shit Hitler Youth. A 'Shitler Youth' if you will. Also there is a mullet involved, which is reassuring when dealing with Europeans. It's like a reverse mark of quality.

Watch out! Here comes excitement! Don't collapse with the sheer joy of it all! This is Cyprus, and the song isn't that bad, but commits cardinal Eurovision sin of having no amusingly attired berks prancing around to techno that would have been outdated in 1750. I didn't come here for stirring strings and beautiful, heartfelt lyrics. I came here to laugh. At you, not with you.

This is Bosnia & Herzegovina. And finally, finally, we get our first instance of 'man singing in stereotypical foreign voice'. The fact that one lyric goes;

"This is the time/ to melt the ice/ of our lips/ and of our hearts"

Only adds to the excitement. However when the song is finished you are left with a horrible, empty feeling, because while his voice may be funnier than anything so far tonight, the nauseating cod-rock offered up by his friends behind him detracts all value from it. Poor show!

Belgium now, and this is Tom Dice, which is a remarkably cool name for such a dorky looking dude. His song is commendable for being stark and passionate, but loses points for being boring as fuck. Still, it's better than most of what went on in Oslo. And anywhere else Eurovision has ever been held.

Ok, I can't believe that this song, or the weird fucking man singing it were allowed on stage, or anywhere else to be honest. When he first appears, wailing bluntly from beneath the worst haircut ever, it's impossible to comprehend just how fucking terrible everything happening is. However as the shock of seeing his ghastly little face fades you are left to quietly digest the zany dancers and bizarre lyrics. This is simultaneously the best and worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the world, and as such this paradox has probably caused a time-quake, or created a black hole somewhere, into which all androgynous ladyboys from Eastern Europe are sucked, spitting them out in an alternate reality where everything is made of glitter and anal lube is free. This was Serbia by the way. We shall never talk of this again.

More unrelenting tediousness now, with Belarus. The song is dull, and the people singing it ae ugly. Not a good mix. Foreign voice makes a welcome appearance, but even that cannot save it from being unmitigated shite. At the end the women grow wings. It's about butterflies you see, and what's a song about butterflies without gimicky dresses to wow all the 7 year old girls in the audience? Nothing, that's what.

(Jesus Christ, this is taking forever and is making me sad.)

This is Ireland. It's boring and it's not about potatoes. Probably because she ate them all.

This is Greece. It's fucking barmy and strangely brilliant. I like the intrusive synth best. Can't go wrong with that. I also like how awkward the guy singing is. He looks like a lost builder surrounded by muscley, oiled men. Maybe that's his thing. I know it's mine. I was quite gutted this didn't win. It had exploding drums and everything!

Youtube doesn't have a video for the UK's entry, which is probably just as well, as it was easily the worst of the night. I have nothing against the guy singing, he seemed quite nice, but by God, the song was so boring it barely existed. Gina G should do our song every year.

FUCKING AWESOME, MAN!

More tedious balladry now, but with the added bonus of a whole shower of cunts partaking in some weird avant garde dance. The bit where they move her legs is confusing, and a bit distressing. can she not walk without the aid of two shirtless mugs? Is she dead from the waist down? Or the neck up? Ha. Ha. Ha.

If you were bemoaning the lack of really terrible faux-metal in this years contest, I have good news for you. MaNga are here to placate you. Imagine if Linkin Park were from Turkey. Yes, it's really as bad as it sounds. People actually liked this, which is just another reason why I need to invest in a shotgun.

Albania are here to lighten the mood with some awesomely catchy pop music, made by a woman who may have been attractive 20 years ago. It's like watching future Britney Spears. This was fun, and deserved to finish much higher than 16th. Fuck you Europe!

Iceland has gained noteriety recently for it's mountain spouting shit into the sky. This is much the same. But twice the size.

Woman dressed as a monk! Singing about the enviroment!. I can't be bothered to write about it so I'll let a youtube user tell you what's what:

"This song is not for eurovision,its too good for it! Its simply ART!
The message and emotion are so strong,its unbelievable!!! MY FAVORITE <3" style="text-align: left;">Yep. That person is wrong, by the way, although the song was ok-ish.

France did this. It's ok I suppose, and it made me wiggle my hips like a bit of a spaz. There was alot of bum action going on. Maybe having the words 'bum action' on my blog will cause more people to come and read it. A side note: I really like the main singer's face. he looks friendly.

(Fuck, there are still 7 entries left. I'm dying slowly on the inside)

Romania's entry was two people, one of them a bizarre Shania Twain type impersonator. She was sharing some kind of double ended, see through piano with a man who looked all the world like the caretaker at the school I used to work at, which caused much mirth. Most exciting thing about the song was the 'Uh, ooh oohh ooohohh' bit, the rest was pretty much forgettable. I swear this was the blandest Eurovision in living memory. They must try harder next year.

Most depressing entry of the evening, or indeed ever, goes to Russia, who saw fit to enter five utterly miserable blokes moaning about a woman or something. This was notable for many reasons. It was voted for quite well, but everyone in the audience hated it and it was roundly booed whenever it was played or mentioned. Also, Steve Buschemi appears to be on guitar, and pipes up with some beautifully deadpan backing vocals, telling the singer to take the photo he is looking at and 'drop it in the fire'. Ths song also wins the award for 'Most out of place 'Woooo!' of the entire evening'.

After that downer anything would sound good, right? Wrong. What we have here is a 78 year old Armenian man blowing a pipe and a woman who looks like she has blown her miniscule budget on plastic surgery to look like a down syndrome Angelina Jolie. She is singing about an Apricot Stone. I noticed that the really foreign sounding women are never as amusing as the men, even when singing about the inedible parts of fruit. This song managed to be both boring and baffling, whch is no mean feat. and I'm pretty sure the only reson it recieved any votes at all was because of her cleavage. That's cheating down syndrome Angelina Jolie!

This was Germany's entry, and the eventual winner. I quite liked it, but every time I hear it, her quirky voice grates harder and harder. She clearly thinks she is Bjork, but her intonation is just weird. Listening to her speak was a profoundly irritaing experience too, and backs up my theory that singers shouldn't be allowed to talk in public. Especially German ones. Especially German semi-goths.

Ugh. This is beyond boring. Portugal joined the 'semi-attractive young girl wailing a bit like a broken Mariah Carey' club and did so with no distinction at all. When your dress is the most notable thing about your performance, and even that is unbearably shit, you know you have problems.

And somehow the interesting level drops down even further. Who thought that it would be a good idea to have these boring people representing their countries? This man looks like resurrected Steven Gately and sounds like he is singing in Klingon, or Ork or something, yet still manages to make that entirely uninteresting. How? The above sentence should make for an incredible performance, but alas was pretty much the low point of the evening Well done Israel, you are finding new and (un)interesting ways to sedate a continent. well done indeed.

Last entry (thank fuck) is Denmark, who entered some kind of AIDS ridden Sting, singing a wonky version of Simply The Best by Tina Turner, yet somehow this was one of the best songs of the evening. That I like this more than pretty much everything else in the entire show, says less about my music taste, than it does speak volumes about the lack of anything approaching exciting throughout the night.

In conclusion then, my winners would be:

1. Greece
2. Denmark
3. Germany

And the losers:

1. The UK
2. Anybody that sat through the whole thing.

A special mention should go to Graham Norton, and his commentary, which became more drunk/ embittered as the evening wore on, and helped us to forget the gaping hole left by Terry Wogan. Heh. Graham Norton. Gaping hole. Heh.

Hopefully next year, all the cretinous balladry will be left at home. Although history dictates that most will try to emulate this years winner, which means that we will have an entire show of iritating, skinny goth girls singing in zany voices. Jolly good!

I work incredibly close to Church Street in London. Those of you unfamiliar with Church Street will no doubt be unaware of the market which takes place there everyday, selling everything you can imagine (if the limit of your imagintaion is cheap shoes, knock off t-shirts and plenty of odd-smelling food).
Unfortunately I only ever get the pleasure of walking through said market after 6pm, when most traders have packed up and gone home, and all that is left are boxes of unsold fish, pieces of halal meat and, if I'm lucky, the council's bin men picking up the crap (and on one special occasion pretending to be pirates with bits of cardboard tube. What a spectacle!). It smells at the best of times.

If you live in London, you will have noticed the extremely hot temperatures of the past few days, and while the sun may be adored by humans, dead fish in rows of boxes aren't quite as fond, neither are the shops selling meat. The stench that fills the air on these hot evenings, mixed with the sickly sweet smell of Hookah pipes and the, well, rubbishy smell of the bin men can be incredibly overpowering, and on more than one occasion has made me gag and run for safety.

The reason I mention this, is that on Sunday, television presented me with an opportunity to feel exactly the same way, without leaving the comfort of my sofa. Thanks TV!
I'm talking, of course, about 'An Audience With Michael Bublé', which, no matter how I hard I try, I just cannot find a reason for.

Michael Bublé

A quick search of lethargy's friend Wikipedia allows me to see that other people who have had 'an audience' include Mel Brooks, Billy Connolly, Peter Ustinov and Joan Rivers (The 80's), Elton John, Axl Rose and Sooty (The 90's), Lulu, Joe Pasquale and Coronation Street (The 00's).

Two things:

1. How does one go about having an audience with a street? Sounds boring.
2. You may notice that the quality of guest droops quite considerably over time. Compare Peter Ustinov to Joe Pasquale. Or compare Sooty to Joe Pasquale. Or anybody. Even Hitler was a better comedian than Pasquale.

So it seems that the BBC started off with the good and honest intention of putting interesting characters in front of an audience and letting them talk. So far so good, but somewhere along the line things took a turn for the worse. Instead of people who were renowned, respected and loved for their skills they got Freddie Starr. And while that's bad, the real problems start when you begin to invite singers on. Singers can sing, it's rare you can find one capable of speaking in a semi-coherent manner between songs, let alone being able to hold an audience's attention with a stream of auto-cued bilge for an entire hour.


To be fair the singers that were granted 'an audience' were popular and not entirely retarded, and while I would never sit down specifically to watch a hardline religious nut singing about summer holidays, I guess that millions of others would. That's entertainment. Unfortunately.

It seems the BBC spent decades slowly ruining the show, purely so they could hand it to ITV and go "See what you can do with this".
What ITV can do with it is somehow make it even worse.

Michael Bublé is not in the least bit interesting. There is nothing remarkable about him. He has a voice like a closed library. He is not funny. He is not charming. He was autotuned to Holy Hell.

The above sentences are fact. However people beg to differ. The wonky faced, fat tongued one from McFly was in attendance, and wanted to know 'If he ever got lonely on the road'. What was probably an innocent question sounded, to my ears, like a desperate plea for some rampant buggery in a dirty motel room. Filthy, filthy McFly.

Other people there to witness the mind-numbing spectacle were:

"Imelda Staunton, Keeley Hawes, Lemar, Joanna Page, The Saturdays, The X Factor’s Stacey Solomon, Dervla Kirwan, Dermot O’Leary, Paul O’Grady, Fern Britton, Larry Lamb, Holly Willoughby and X Factor winner Joe McElderry."

Well, isn't that a cross section of absoulutely no-one of interest?

Michael's voice is boring. No matter what the backwards invalids in attendence will tell you, it is dull. If you are going to make vapid, empty pop music, at least make it interesting and fun. Like this:

His voice is, to paraphrase Derek Smalls, 'Like lukewarm water'. There is nothing of interest happening there. It's one tiny step away from being elevator music. Just thinking about it makes me want to fall asleep.

He is not funny. I hear him routinely described as 'cheeky'. Bollocks! His humour was predictable, forced and as dull as his voice. Not that this seems to have deterred his army of potential dowdy, middle aged cat horders. Facebook was alive with girls squealing about how funny and cute he is. Pffft, girls.

OMG U GUYS! I HEART BUBLE

Just because he made your gusset damp doesn't mean he is deserving of his own relentlessly tedious show. Find someone good to fancy. Like Rob Halford from Judas Priest.

In conclusion; Fuck this.

While this show was broadcast, people with taste were avoiding it, and people with even better taste were still coming to terms with the horrible loss of Ronnie James Dio.
Dio is as far away from Bublé as it's possible to be. A man who oozed passion, and lived for what he did. Sure what he did was sing about dragons and trolls while being 4ft high, but still, he believed in it in a way that most cannot comprehend. When anyone like that dies it is a genuine loss. At 67 many people would have packed up music, especially music as rigorous as heavy metal, but Dio plowed on, even through the initial stages of his battle with throat cancer.

While I was never a huge Rainbow or Dio fan, his loss has cetainly been felt, and music is less colourful without his presence. Rest In Peace Sir, we shall continue to ride the tiger for you.

(As I went to get the link for this video an ad for Bublé tickets popped up on screen. Stop mocking me you boring cunt!)