"Nevermind!" I thought, "I'll head home when I am finished and watch France play Uruguay, it's sure to be an exciting game, and will no doubt make up for missing the host's opener!"
Err, yep. The game was deadly dull, and midway through the second half I had turned the TV off. The only thing worth watching was France coach Raymond Domenech, who looks like a slightly more French Paul Grady.
"Ok Thierry, you're on the bench, we're going with Govou. He's a good player, right?"
Again, on Saturday I found myself at work all day, with the only consolation being that I could spend the evening jammed into pub with every other fucker in the country watching England. the only diference being that I actively want England to lose. To go out as soon as possible. To bugger off and shut up. As it turns out we ended up in a pub which was almost deserted, only one man in the place seemed to care, and let us know through some very manly posturing and the yelling of occasional nondescript football talk: "Yeah! But who's on the end of it!?"
The end result was fantastic, if only so I didn't have to listen to drunken idiots outside my house all night. Robert Green's desire to see himself inducted in to the "Usually reliable English goalkepers who make one almighty mistake at the worst possible time" hall of fame has provided the highlight of the tournament so far.
Despite England's inability in beating side who are still a third world nation when it comes to football, we still have to see The Sun and it's brethren bleating about how will still win the thing. As I said, the sooner we are out, the better.
England aside, the one thing that seems to be defining each match, is that nothing, nothing seems to happen. Only one game has feaured more than two goals, and none of them have been of a particularly high quality. The majority of the games are played out scrappily in midfield, the shooting has been woeful and the player's close control has been almost as bad.
Most will blame the new ball, which utilises dark matter, or nuclear particles or something to make it lighter. How long before wer're giving players balloons to kick around? While we're at it, why don't we give them clown shoes and amusing make-up? There's probably a market for it somewhere.. Oh yes... Liverpool.
The end result was fantastic, if only so I didn't have to listen to drunken idiots outside my house all night. Robert Green's desire to see himself inducted in to the "Usually reliable English goalkepers who make one almighty mistake at the worst possible time" hall of fame has provided the highlight of the tournament so far.
"Yep, yep! YEP! YEAH!.. shit.
Despite England's inability in beating side who are still a third world nation when it comes to football, we still have to see The Sun and it's brethren bleating about how will still win the thing. As I said, the sooner we are out, the better.
England aside, the one thing that seems to be defining each match, is that nothing, nothing seems to happen. Only one game has feaured more than two goals, and none of them have been of a particularly high quality. The majority of the games are played out scrappily in midfield, the shooting has been woeful and the player's close control has been almost as bad.
Most will blame the new ball, which utilises dark matter, or nuclear particles or something to make it lighter. How long before wer're giving players balloons to kick around? While we're at it, why don't we give them clown shoes and amusing make-up? There's probably a market for it somewhere.. Oh yes... Liverpool.
Catch the ball! Or the balloon! Oh come on! You should have at least managed to catch one of them! No wonder you finished seventh in the balloon ball league.
In fact the games have been so boring that the producers have seen fit to fill all of the boring moments with super slow motion, high definition replays of all the non-existent action.
SEE! An Algerian man sweating slowly while turning his head!
WITNESS! Three players looking slightly upset at a refereeng decision!
GASP! At some legs running at 1/8 their normal speed!
TURN OFF THE GODDAMN TV! As you realise that you're paying your licence for this!
I wouldn't mind the slow-mo, but come on! Choose something interesting, or at least focus on the weirdest looking people you can find in the crowd. No-one (and I mean no-one) needs to see Wayne Rooney yelling his neandathal little face off at some unfortunate offical in that much detail.
The last notable thing is that the South Africans have decided that insead of hosting the best World Cup ever, they're going to host the most annoying. The stadiums are full of dullards blowing into horns. No, not pleasant sounding, tuneful instruments that will lend each game a thrilling atmosphere, but horns which produce a constant, one pitched drone. It sounds like the mic operator is under constant attack from a swarm of angry, but lazy bees. "BVVVVVVVVVVVVVVZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" it goes, "BBBVVVVVVVVZZZZZZZZZZ!"
I say that if England get the World Cup in 2018, all the fans should be given kazoos, or maybe just a triangle each, which they are to hit whenever a player is about to shoot, creating a deafening "TING!" which will cause all but the most focused players to fall over, startled and confused. I genuinely want to see that happen now, and am quite upset that FIFA would probably call foul play, the spoilsports.
Anything to make it more interesting than the uninspired toss that has passed for football matches so far this year.
SEE! An Algerian man sweating slowly while turning his head!
WITNESS! Three players looking slightly upset at a refereeng decision!
GASP! At some legs running at 1/8 their normal speed!
TURN OFF THE GODDAMN TV! As you realise that you're paying your licence for this!
I wouldn't mind the slow-mo, but come on! Choose something interesting, or at least focus on the weirdest looking people you can find in the crowd. No-one (and I mean no-one) needs to see Wayne Rooney yelling his neandathal little face off at some unfortunate offical in that much detail.
"UUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR!"
The only game so far to have exceeded expectations was Germany's demolition of Australia. A game so thoroughly one-sided that even our very own jingoistic commentators had to grudgingly admit how good the Germans were. Listening to these compliments from behind gritted teeth was beautiful. Hopefully the German's will take England apart if they meet, and I'll wear my Germany shirt with pride. It won't stop the dribbling idiots singing their 'Two World Wars and one World Cup' song, but still, small victories.The last notable thing is that the South Africans have decided that insead of hosting the best World Cup ever, they're going to host the most annoying. The stadiums are full of dullards blowing into horns. No, not pleasant sounding, tuneful instruments that will lend each game a thrilling atmosphere, but horns which produce a constant, one pitched drone. It sounds like the mic operator is under constant attack from a swarm of angry, but lazy bees. "BVVVVVVVVVVVVVVZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" it goes, "BBBVVVVVVVVZZZZZZZZZZ!"
I say that if England get the World Cup in 2018, all the fans should be given kazoos, or maybe just a triangle each, which they are to hit whenever a player is about to shoot, creating a deafening "TING!" which will cause all but the most focused players to fall over, startled and confused. I genuinely want to see that happen now, and am quite upset that FIFA would probably call foul play, the spoilsports.
Anything to make it more interesting than the uninspired toss that has passed for football matches so far this year.
