Proof There Is No God: A Review Of A Movie I Haven't Seen.

My Sister told me she thinks that I should go and see Sex And The City 2, purely so I can write a blog about it. This would be a fantastic idea, but for two reasons;

1. I don't have any money to waste on such nonsense.
2. I'd rather sit at home slowly pulling my teeth out with a rusty spoon.

The very thought of sitting through two hours of feeble old bitches talking about their sagging cunts and acting like disgusting whores is too much for me to even contemplate, and my eyes are burning just thinking about it.

Instead I will force myself to watch the entire two and a half minute trailer, and Libby, if I don't make it out the other side, I will hold you accountable, and my will shall be changed accordingly.

(What you are about to see is likely to damage you if you have more than 4 brain cells. Be warned)

(Note: I have sat here for a good 10 minutes unable to click play. This is the true definition of terror.)

• This trailer is suitable for all audiences, all audiences that is, who don't have a penis. Or a brain, or an understanding of the basic premise of feminism.

• Obvious use of 'Empire State Of Mind' right at the beginning, and while the song is still pretty good, it's obiquity is starting to irritate. No more so than here, at 0:11, where we get our first glipse our lovely ladies, all timed to the music and everything! The person who edited this must be a fucking genius! Look at their pretty clothes! I wonder if clothes play as important a part in this film as they do in real life? Who knows?

• 0:15, and I''m guessing the answer to the above question is a resounding 'YES! YES GODDAMIT! LOOK HOW IMPORTANT OUR FUCKING CLOTHES ARE! I HAVE A WALK-IN WARDROBE FULL OF SHOES AND BAGS AND DRESSES AND OTHER NEEDLESS TOSS THAT YOU PLEBIANS WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD! BECAUSE I AM FAMOUS! FAMOUS FOR WRITING ABOUT SEX! HOW FUCKING LIBERATED IS THAT?' We also get to hear Sarah Jessica Parker's boring voice for the first time here. I wasn't really listening to what she said, because it's probably stupid.

• 0:20, (God, I'm going to be here all night at this rate.) A man is here. I often wondered what kind of man would agree to be in shit like this. A man desperate to pay his bills? Or a man woefully under-informed by his agent? One way or another he should be ashamed of himself. ROYALLY FUCKING ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.

• 0:26, I keep having to start the video from previous points, because I can't understand these screeching harridan's voices. There is the ginger one, being ugly and a lesbian. Way to go, making the ugliest one a lesbian. Or was that real life? Both are as dumb as each other to be honest. Anyway, she says smething equally as stupid as what Jessica Parker was rambling on about earlier. The brunette one is next, and by god! She seems to be having trouble with her children, despite the attention of her poorly paid, fat, ethnic housemaid (out of shot).

• 0:32, and things are getting ugly. REALLY FUCKING UGLY. Kim Catrell is on screen, and talking about sex. What a suprise. "I've tricked my body into feeling younger" she says, opening a large case of pills. "How are you going to swallow them?" asks indescriminate old hag #1 "Haven't we met?" she replies. The joke here is that she performs a lot of fellatio and therefore has a gaping wound for a throat. Delightful. While I am here I would like to say that all these dumb mugs who think that this film celebrates older women, that they are wrong. There is nothing graceful about the way these weathered old bints are behaving, they are sluts, pure and simple. If you want to look at someone who is aging gracefully then come for dinner at mine and meet my mum, ok?

• 0:48, more sex jokes. Boring dialogue and a horse. We seem to be being led towards the conclusion that Jessica Parker's lifestyle is boring. Imagine infinite money, comfortable married life and stunning beauty (Two out of three aint bad. Ba Dum Chhhh!). In fact, it sounds so boring that she should probably take one of those pretty dresses and throttle herself with it. Hurry up! We haven't got all day!

• 0:56, "We have to work on the sparkle" Jessica Parker tells her idiot husband. Seriously, what possessed him to marry her? This man makes me unfeasibly angry. JUST LOOK AT HER FACE! LISTEN TO HER BLEATING SELFISH VOICE! FUCKING KICK HER IN THE HEAD!

• 1:18, and the loathsome foursome haven't even got to Abu Dhabi yet. Kim Catrell can 'hear the decadance calling'. In fact it's just the wind rushing through her cavernous vagina. Easy mistake to make.

• 1:22, Now they arrive. "Jessica Parker doesn't think they are in Kansas anymore. This could be a SUBTLE reference to 'The Wizard Of Oz', or it could be just another example of shocking dialogue written to make overly gay men laugh like little girls.

• 1:25. The line that starts here is so fucking terrible, so embarrasingly rubbish that I want to kill myself, and then everyone else. Ever. Or maybe everyone else first. Fuck you whoever wrote that.

• 1:36. men in pants hollering. How droll.

• 1:57. married woman acts like objectionable whore.

• I have given up writing. I have given up caring. The last thing that happens is Jessica Parker encouraging a child to develop a drinking habit.

Two and a half minutes, and nothing you could ever say or do, could convince that that isn't the absolute nadir of humanities achievment. There have been genocides that have been more pleasing to watch than that. I'm pretty sure that the Manhatten Project was thought up in case something like this happened. The name can't be a coincidence.

Are there really women out there who feel this is an acurate representation of feminism? If there are, then I'm really, really scared.

In conclusion. Bwuuuuuhhhuuuggghhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwrrrrruuuuaaaahhhh. My brain has melted.